The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame is now available to those with interest who live outside of the continental United States of America.

It can be purchased by clicking here and then scrolling down to the bottom right of the book's home page. There is an area titled International Shipping with a "Add to Cart" button that is for international orders only. I have established a low shipping price of $5.50 USD to anywhere in the world as I am more interested in people having the opportunity to learn affect script psychology and how shame impacts close relationships than getting rich.

A woman from Colorado had a question about distrust and where it fits into the system I've described in the The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame (available at my website). 

Distrust in relationships, unlike dissmell and disgust that are basic affects wired into our brains from birth, is a script learned from experiences that engender shame and/or fear because of some form of betrayal by another person or persons. The shame and/or fear motivate the development of this defensive script called distrust.

Distrust can be healthy when it alerts people to what might go wrong so that their feelings are protected to some extent. Distrust becomes unhealthy when someone has had so many negative experiences that they remain distrustful of everything at all times and can, therefore, never be truly emotionally intimate with another person. Much of the work psychotherapists do involves providing a safe environment so that overly distrustful persons, who are often very lonely because of their distrust, can experience a relationship that is dependable.

The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame can be purchased through Amazon by clicking here or if you wish to use a credit card or PayPal account by clicking here.

If you wish to learn more about the book before you buy it, then click here to go to my website and see the contents and advance reviews.

My colleague Charles Gaby, whose Center for Creative Transformation in Fort Worth Texas continues to offer many stimulating programs for those seeking personal growth, hosted me over the weekend of 15-16 October 2011. I presented a 5 hour seminar focused entirely on The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame. It was a fun day and, from the reactions of the couples and couples' therapists who attended, the workshop clearly generated a great deal of interest-excitement and a new understanding of shame in relationships. Below is a snapshot of the brochure Charles put together for the event. He does good work.

I have decided to forgo the uphill battle seeking an agent and a publisher and have connected with Maine Authors Publishing. Their mission is to provide all the expertise needed for authors to publish on their own--from editing, marketing, and design to the actual printing. They are wonderfully friendly people. Check out their website at http://maineauthorspublishing.com/index.html.

Stay tuned for more news about when the book will be available for purchase. Be sure to sign up at my home page if you are interested in being notified when that happy day comes.

I will be presenting a full-day workshop for couples in Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday, 15 October 2011. I will focus on the insights from my book, The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame. In so doing, I will paint a picture of human motivation that is simple to understand and easy to apply. I will provide live examples of failures of intimacy and demonstrate how those moments can be converted into the beginnings of new ways of relating so that couples can practice the art of intimacy with greater ease and success.

If you live or plan to be in the Fort Worth area in mid-October, I invite you to join us for a fun and informative day. For further information and to view the brochure for the workshop, click here and under "Register now for fall programs" click on The Art of Intimacy link.

Later in the year, 23-27 November, to be exact, I will join with my colleagues from Restorative Practices International as we present our 3rd International conference in Wellington, New Zealand. For those who have always wanted to travel to the beautiful country of New Zealand or those who already live there and have an interest or practice in Restorative Practices, the deadline for early registration is 31 August. The conference is titled: Whanaungatanga: Building Relationships through Restorative Practices. Visit the conference website for further info.

The following question was excellent; I decided, therefore, to move it and my response here to the front page so they would not be buried in the "comments."

From Meredith: "However, I am also curious can ASP be used to understand our feelings and actions when dealing with our parents, children, siblings, friends, etc?"

My response: Meredith, thanks for the question. ASP is a comprehensive, universally applicable theory about the psychology and biology of human motivation. There is no aspect of human behavior that it does not inform. I encourage a visit to the Tomkins Institute home page. There one will discover information and resources about ASP as it relates to Parenting, Restorative Practices, Education, Business, Spirit/Mind/Body, Psychotherapy and Couples and Marriage.

A great example of this is the book I give to everyone I know, and even some I don't know, who have a newborn baby. What Babies Say Before They Can Talk, is a wonderfully informative book utilizing ASP by child psychiatrist Paul Holinger MD. Although it is full of tips about both understanding and interacting primarily with very young children, Dr. Holinger's clear, gentle style is a powerful educational tool for parents with children of all ages. I highly recommend visiting Dr. Paul Holinger's Parenting Place, buying a copy of his book and signing up for his newsletter.

In Chapter 2 of The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame, I present the ASP based motivation behind the early formation of the mother (caregiver) child bond. As powerful and useful as is the well-known Attachment Theory as proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, they missed the most basic element of why infants attach to those around them. I entitled my chapter: "Why People Want to be Together." Beginning with a description of affective resonance, I present the affects from which originate two social scripts that are the basis of the motivation for all emotional connection with others be they friends, family members, or lovers. Needless to say, given the title of my book, shame plays a critical role in modulating emotional connection in both positive and negative directions.

Briefly stated, here's how it works: shame is the "affect" triggered whenever there is something that blocks the positive feelings in an emotional connection. Shame feels horrible because it leads to feelings of loneliness, rejection and hurt. (I explain how this really works in great detail in the book because most people think of shame only in terms of "feeling ashamed" which is only one aspect of the inborn affect shame.) If you want to learn more about this and how to use the information in positive ways, please sign up at my website to be notified when the book is available for purchase.

Since I lost my original introduction due to momentary incompetence in posting, I'm adding this so that some of the first comments will reappear on the blog. Please refer to my "Welcome again" entry below for introductory details. Thanks.

It is embarrassing to admit that I deleted my original welcome message while babysitting my granddaughter at her swimming pool when I tried to work on this blog from my "smart phone." My apologies to those who submitted excellent comments and questions to that message for they too have disappeared into cyberspace due to my ineptitude.

So here's goes again: I'm Vick Kelly, a psychiatrist with over 40 years experience working with troubled couples. I am also Chairman of the Board of the Tomkins Institute: Applied Studies in Motivation, Emotion, and Cognition. I mention this because it was only through the study of the theories of Silvan Tomkins--theories that I now refer to as Affect Script Psychology or ASP--that I began to fully grasp the intricacies of the motivational forces leading to the formation of intimate relationships as well as what makes them succeed or fail. I knew before learning ASP that many people suffered from shame and embarrassment when their relationships and/or marriages failed. What I did not know was the potential power of shame to help relationships succeed. 

My book: The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenger of Shame is an exploration into all aspects of relational shame from the perspective of ASP. It may surprise you to learn that Tomkins viewed shame-humiliation as an inborn biological program--one of nine such programs he called affects. Working from the theory of evolution and studies of the face done by Charles Darwin one hundred years earlier, Tomkins recognized the evolved function of the affects for survival and consciousness. I have advanced the insights of Tomkins into the arena of interpersonal relationships. While my book awaits an agent and publisher (you can help me find them by clicking on the book link above and registering to be notified when the book is available), I offer this blog as a forum in which I will be delighted to respond to any and all reasonable questions and comments about relationships.

Thank you, I look forward to your questions and comments.